Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,"Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Jane Fonda had an abscess tooth removed. Afterwards she noticed that her heart was beating faster so she went to her cardiologist. After he checked her out he told her that there was nothing to worry about.
Abscess makes the heart grow Fonda!

 

[keith reed]

I speak 4 languages. English, bullshit, partial french and the drunken language of beer

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Young Woman was preparing for her Wedding.
She asked her Mother to go out and buy a Nice, Long Black Negligee and carefully place it in her Suitcase so it would not Wrinkle.
Mum forgot her task, until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a Short Pink Nightee.
She bought it and quickly threw it into the Suitcase.
After the Wedding, the Bride and Groom enter their Hotel Room.
The Groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new Bride to change in the Bathroom and promise not to Peek while he got ready for Bed.
While she was in the Bathroom, she opened her Suitcase and saw the Negligee her Mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, "Oh No, it's Short, Pink an Wrinkled"..
Then her Groom cried out,
"F.F.S.. I thought I told you not to peek!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office. After his checkup, the doctor called
the wife into his office alone. He said, "If
you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good
mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice
meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably
had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife
what the doctor said to her.
"You're going to die," she replied!!..

 

[keith reed]

When men get drunk they talk ****, get terribly emotion, become horrible drivers and want to fight for no reason at all.

I take my hat off to women. They manage to do that all sober.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland -
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
'I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A buxom lady sitting next to me on the train was reading an article about life and death statistics. she turned to me and said,
"Did you know that every time I breath somebody dies?"..........
"Really?" ,I said, "Have you tried mouthwash?!!"

 

[keith reed]

What?. Who in their right mind would have a front row seat for the NBA finals and not use it?

Well the seat is mine but the wife passed away. This is actually the first NBA final that we have not been together.

I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else that could have taken the seat?

No, they're all at the funeral.